Thursday, December 16, 2004

Adulthood: Next Exit

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm going home for Christmas.

I guess the answer is yes, although I no longer think of my parents' house as home.

It happened unexpectedly.

In hindsight, I suppose there had been signs. After graduating from college, I was able to land a new job. I moved into my first apartment without any roommates. I traded in my 15-year-old car for a newer one. I began to make decisions about health insurance.

All of these happenings seemed to go along with the normal ebb and flow of life. I didn't realize how much my life had changed until I went home for my first post-college Christmas.

It's an odd experience, going back "home." It's as if the town I grew up in no longer exists. I don't remember the names of streets. I get lost on the way to the grocery store. In fact, the grocery store from my childhood has closed, due to competition from a behemoth chain store built down the street.

There are changes to the house I grew up in, too. I was surprised to find a larger television, a new couch, walls painted another color, and an extra car in the garage when I returned. It felt like a strangely familiar place. Not quite like home.

I'd forgotten exactly what fixture each light switch controlled. I didn't remember which kitchen cupboard my mother kept the sugar in. It bothered me that I did not know these things.

One of the most significant changes was the family Christmas card. "Merry Christmas from the [Noir] home," it read, listing the names of my parents and my siblings. My name was absent.

I'd been dropped from the family Christmas card.

"People will think that I've died!" I told my mother. She wrote it off matter-of-factly. Something about how I've grown up. They were no longer supporting me. I had to care of my own responsibilities. Apparently this included sending out my own holiday card.

We all laughed it off as a big joke. I insisted that my family send a Christmas card to my home address, arguing that I should at least have a spot on the mailing list. They all wrote funny messages like "Gee, sis, it's too bad you're no longer part of the [Noir] home."

For the first time I understood how my parents felt when they shipped me off to college, 1,250 miles away. I was nonchalant about breaking free, knowing I would never live with them again. But they must have been terribly sad. I was the first to go. My sister would soon follow. My brother would leave not long after that.

Now it is my parents who take life's changes in stride. And I am the one who will be stumbling down the stairs in the dark because my feet don't remember how many steps there are.

15 Comments:

At Thu Dec 16, 04:03:00 PM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Such a poignant post. But with regard to stumbling down the stairs in the dark- yeah, like a big bucket of alcoholic egg nog had nothing to do with the stumbling.

 
At Thu Dec 16, 07:16:00 PM, Blogger Henry said...

great post. Interesting idea -- where is home? I ain't got no home in this world anymore -- my mother moved out of my childhood apartment in Manhattan, parents are divorced, etc. There is no childhood room to hang out in. But being from New York, the whole city holds memories, the whole city is the site of the past. Of course the city has changed a great deal -- whole neighorhoods have been transformed. I love finding places that are exactly the same as they were when I was a kid. There are a few - Riverside Park, Central Park, a museum (not MOMA which is all different) an old sign, there are some streets that are unchanged.

I have my own family now - we are at home in Brooklyn with each other.

 
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Well written LCN. I'm guessing you are the oldest child?

 
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