Monday, December 06, 2004

Tortured by Fellatio*

As M2 (the Baptist) and I were heading out to dinner Saturday evening, it occurred to him that he neglected to brush his teeth. I suggested we stop by my place and he could brush them there.

"But I don't have a toothbrush at your house." Right. You can just use mine, it's no big deal.

In addition to being a Baptist, M2 is also a TOTAL germaphobe. Apparently, the rest of the world agrees with him on this particular issue: the sharing of toothbrushes is foul and dirty. And he would rather his teeth rot out and fall from his jaw before he put my toothbrush in his mouth.

But would you use ANYBODY's toothbrush? I mean, what if you were canoodling? Cause this is my theory: If I can put his dick in my mouth, what's the big deal about a toothbrush?

So that got us onto the topic of dick sucking. Where I did all the talking, and M2 did all the cringing. Till finally he could take no more! But it wasn't necessarily the topic that he found so offensive (as I constantly remind him, he may be a Baptist, but he is still a boy, and what boy doesn't like dick sucking?) it was the language.

"I would prefer that you use the proper terms." Would you prefer I said fellatio**?

So then, the rest of the night, I tried my best to slip fellatio into the conversation. I used the word as a substitute for all sorts of other meanings...

I'd like a nice, tall glass of fellatio with dinner.

Ooh! I'll have the pasta and cream sauce, it sounds fellatious.

I think I slept funny last night ... My fellatio is KILLING me!

Your sparkling fellationality is one of the things I like most about you ...

I kept doing it until I was pretty sure that M2 would dump me as a friend. Or at least not talk to me for a long time. Then I let it drop.

A couple of hours later, back at M2's place, it occurred to me.

"Hey M2, know what's even BETTER than fellatio?"

M2: "It's hard to imagine..."

"Cunnilingus***!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*M1 made a very good point: You must not be very good if it's torture.

**Since fellatio so rarely makes it into my written correspondence, I had trouble looking it up in the dictionary! It's an 'e' and not an 'a', who knew?

***Cunnilingus is from the Latin cunnus (vulva) and lingere (to lick). Translated, it roughly means: he who licks the vulva.

18 Comments:

At Mon Dec 06, 03:42:00 PM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Sharing a toothbrush is indeed filthy. However, if your talky parts come in contact with someone else's sexy parts, you can pretty much put anything they own in your mouth. And vice versa.

 
At Mon Dec 06, 03:50:00 PM, Blogger La Chat Noir said...

That's what I say! Thanks for backing me up, ACW... now the real question is, would ACWGF agree?

 
At Mon Dec 06, 06:07:00 PM, Blogger Lexagirl said...

(nodding in agreement) and it's not like it's a mapplethorpe or anything...

 
At Mon Dec 06, 06:30:00 PM, Blogger deanne said...

"Fellationality" - I like it!

You better get those phrases copy-written!

 
At Mon Dec 06, 10:53:00 PM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

I think ACWGF would agree. The few times I have needed a toothbrush, she always offers, and it always gives me the willies initially. Then she says, "It's not like you don't have all my germs already." Then I shrug and brush my teeth.

 
At Tue Dec 07, 11:59:00 AM, Blogger Kmart said...

I just came from a Health exam on human sexuality and can I just tell you that one of the asnwers was fellatio. After reading this post last night and almost wetting my pants, I saw the answer on the test and began to chuckle out loud during the exam. Now people think I'm crazy, and they're probably right.

 
At Fri Jan 14, 03:07:00 PM, Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

How hilarious!!

Loved it when you worked it into the conversation. Bet he did too...;)

 
At Sat Feb 12, 08:46:00 PM, Blogger FreedomGirl said...

This will sound wierd....but it reminds me of my mom...I was about 9 when my siblings were teens...one evening my mom gave my sibs cheek smooches & gave me a good night peck on the mouth and I asked her- "How come you don't kiss Les or Phil on the lips like that anymore?" She replied- "When you start kissing other people, it'll be the end of the road for you, too."

I always thought that was funny.

 
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