Monday, January 31, 2005

One ticket for the 1988 show ...

I've never been much of a mainstream movie watcher. I think it stems from my childhood, my parents just rarely took us to movies. Instead, they'd take us to the video store.

Our favorite haunt was Video USA. This was before the days of behemoth rental chains, at least in our town. So each rental store had a rather random selection of films, based on what the proprietor chose to stock.

We'd take advantage of our membership by renting multiple videos, sometimes three a piece. We would often rent a VCR ... it was also the beginning of my propensity for petty crime.

As soon as we got home, our dad would hook up the rented VCR to our VCR, and the watching/taping/duplicating/stealing weekend o' fun would commence.

My mother labeled and categorized each tape. We had a virtual library of movies available for marathon viewing whenever we wanted, and we took advantage of it. When I think of our weekend ritual, a few films stand out in my mind as the "classics" my siblings and I would watch again and again.

One was The Labyrinth, which I recently shared with M2. Predictably, he did not enjoy it as much as I. How could he? He didn't have the memories of snuggling up on the couch under an afghan that my mother knit. The three of us fighting for cushion space. We'd pull all the curtains closed to create our own mini theater ... passing around a box of Vanilla Wafers and a can of Ginger Ale.

Reciting, in unison, the lines we knew by heart ... "For my power is as strong as yours and my kingdom as great ..."

Movie after movie after movie. We were soldiers against sleep. If one of us became drowsy, it was up to the other two to keep them talking. Until the night overcame us all.

There are so many more movies on our list that I want to share. The original Parent Trap, Pollyanna, Summer Magic, Rupert and the Frog Song, Bedknobs and Broomsticks ...

Last night, after M2 and I finished Alice in Wonderland, I began to recall another favorite. The story of a poor boy who worked as a chimney sweep and jumped into a lake that sucked him into a strange, animated underwater world.

I called Lil' Sis to ask her if she recognized it, and she did, but neither of us could remember the name of the movie.

After just a bit of web searching, M2 found the title ... The Water Babies.

In an instant, it all came back to me. And I found myself humming along to "Hi Cockalorum!" ... wishing there were two bony elbows jabbing at my sides.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Les Answers

1. I am the first of my father's bloodline to be born in the United States of America.
TRUE ... albeit on a technicality. My father was born in the Territory of Hawai'i, my grandfather in the Republic of Hawai'i, my great-grandfather in the Kingdom of Hawai'i. Me ... Seattle.

2. I've read Mein Kampf.
FALSE

3. I once flashed my bare breasts in a Wendy's.
TRUE ... when I was a junior in college. The evening before, a few of us had been drinking and discussing inhibitions and I refused to flash my breasts. So the following day, 17 of us were all eating at Wendy's, and one of the guys from the night before told everyone that I was all talk. So I told him I'd do it any time. Any where. His response: Right here, right now. It was easy, cause I was just wearing a camisole, no bra. I just yanked it down, made sure the whole table saw them ... and went right on munching on my square burger.

4. I can count to 10 in eight different languages.
TRUE ... French, Spanish, Latin, German, Japanese, Mandarin Chinese, Sign Language (it's not just holding up all ten fingers) ... and English

5. My favorite poet is Robert Frost.
FALSE ... Favorite classic is probably Poe, though I also like Yeats. I was really into Beat poetry for a while, and my favorite Beat poet is by far Gregory Corso. Though I will admit, I cry every time I watch Johnny deliver the line "Stay Gold, Ponyboy!" ... I do have that poem memorized.

6. I've encountered sharks while swimming in the ocean.
TRUE ... While snuba diving off the coast of Mau'i. Once we saw them, we headed back to the boat and motored to a different place that had giant sea turtles instead.

7. I've been intimate with another woman.
FALSE ... But I'd like to think I'd be open to it if the opportunity were to present itself. And I TOTALLY agree ... HOT!

8. I've been to the most northern and most southern points of the U.S.
TRUE ... Ka Lae, or South Point, on the big island of Hawai'i and Point Barrow, Alaska on the Arctic Ocean. I have been to neither the northern nor southern most points of the continental states.

9. I can name all eight Bradys, all seven dwarves, all fifty states, all three Amigos and all seven categories in the organization of living things.
TRUE ... How do you know? I guess you'll just have to trust me.
And Luke ... how could I forget the Spice Girls? Sporty, Baby, Ginger, Posh and Nasty ... I mean, Scary.

10. I played a leading role in several high school theater productions.
FALSE ... I was only on stage in one high school production. I was much more of a tech kind of gal. One of my undergrad degrees is in theatrical lighting design.

BONUS QUESTION: I don't get paid until next Thursday and I only have $20.70 in the bank.
TRUE ... and not one penny more, MooCow! After I put gas in the car today, it will drop significantly ... and I STILL won't be paid till next Thursday!

Keeping track?
Mup and LawyerGuy did the best, both guessed 3 out of 4.

Thanks for playing!

Thursday, January 27, 2005

La Meme

So yesterday, I had the most hits ever! And today, two lonely comments. What a buzz kill ... *le sigh*

Therefore, I submit the following, which I copied from Madmup.

Of these ten things ... FOUR are lies. Can you spot the fabrications?

1. I am the first of my father's bloodline to be born in the United States of America.

2. I've read Mein Kampf.

3. I once flashed my bare breasts in a Wendy's.

4. I can count to 10 in eight different languages.

5. My favorite poet is Robert Frost.

6. I've encountered sharks while swimming in the ocean.

7. I've been intimate with another woman.

8. I've been to the most northern and most southern points of the U.S.

9. I can name all eight Bradys, all seven dwarves, all fifty states, all three Amigos and all seven categories in the organization of living things.

10. I played a leading role in several high school theater productions.

BONUS QUESTION: I don't get paid until next Thursday and I only have $20.70 in the bank. TRUE or FALSE?

'Cause I'm a bitch like that

Last night, post Improv practice, the Ms and I went out to BW3s. Lucky for us, it was crude, foul and most obscene trivia night, a local "get 'em in the seats" promo every Wednesday.

We were able to find a table, and we got some game trivia thingys so we could play regular old NTN trivia on the TV, doing our best to ignore the beasties howling at their ribald local trivia.

As a side note, M1 (screen name: YURMOM) was often the TV trivia leader. Whereas M2 and I switched off second and third place. We were the smartest (and likely oldest) table in the joint.

We were enjoying our evening, for the most part, when a table full of 15 year olds next to us started passing around a cigar.

It should be mentioned ...

We were in the no smoking section.

They weren't old enough to be smoking anyway.

Cigars are dirty and nasty.

I was already feeling icky and stuffed up from the headcold that's been plaguing me. So I went up to the counter and asked the manager to address the issue.

Ya know, 'cause I'm a bitch like that.

Will the real Chat Noir please stand up?

For the record: La Chat Noir was pretty darn close on 5 of the 8 imagined descriptions. Off the mark on Bathroom Reading, Darth and LilRed.

And now, the real me...

Sorry to disappoint ... I don't wear lots of skirts and hooker boots in the office. But I would if I had better legs! My hair is naturally black, although through most of college I dyed it shiny copper red, a la Coke can red. And it is the straightest damn hair anybody has EVER seen.

So I guess funky is right. Though not as much as I used to be. I have had my hair blonde, blue and purple as well. And for about four years, I had a skunk streak down the right side. I used to have a barbell in my tongue, but I took it out when I got my first real job. I still have a hole, though. And about a year ago I wondered if I could still shove a metal rod through it. I could. I also like to wear shoes that stand out. My favorite pair is bright green. But I'm not funky enough to work at Hot Topic or anything.

My teeth are my best feature. They are straight, and big and white. I always think about getting them bleached but people tell me it would be like when Ross whitened his teeth on Friends and they were blinding. I have a round face and big mouth. I get lots of compliments on my smile.

I own three pairs of plastic glasses. The ones I wear most often are red. Another pair is dark purple or "Eggplant." My eyes are my worst feature. They're ugly and lifeless. Not at all striking or memorable. When I was younger I described them as being shit brown with a river of green puke running through the bottom. And that's essentially what they look like. Lil' Sis has big doe brown eyes, and I've always envied her for those. She also has a hot bod, and I don't share those genes. But she's got a huge forehead.

Anyway, back to me...

I'm one-quarter Czech so I'm hairier than the average girl. It's most noticeable in my arms, but fortunately I don't have a super fair complexion, so it doesn't stand out as much as it might. I've also got a lot of soft hair on my face, not a beard or anything, but short, feathery ones on my cheeks along my hairline. Of course, I hated it when I was younger as it was the source of most of the torturous teasing I endured during the junior high years. But now, I rather like it. I often wonder about getting it removed with a laser (for like a million dollars) but I'm afraid I would feel naked without it.

Ugh. I just re-read that ... and I'm making myself out to be the Wolfman! It's not that bad, really, for instance ... you wouldn't even notice it if you were looking at a photograph of moi!

On to better things! I'm a little over 5'8", big boobs; big, round ass; evenly proportioned, though heavy (but not too, like they don't need a crane to get me out of the house or anything!) V. animated face. I am extremely poor at hiding my emotions. And MooCow was right, I am tres snarky.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Mirror, mirror

Yesterday, when I was checking in on MooCow (you all know where to find him, he doesn't need a traffic boost from me!), I was surprised when I saw his picture. I had imagined a social blundering oaf, slovenly dressed, horridly groomed ... witty, but not pretty. In actuality, he's kind of a hottie.

As MooCow himself put it, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that he is not a troll. And it got me thinking. I usually have images of people in my head when I'm reading their blogs.

Some of you are brave (vain?) enough to post your own picture. Not I! And, my fellow cowards, keeping our true selves hidden allows others to imagine who we might be, based solely on our writing.

SO ... here's a few of the bloggers I follow ... AND what they look like inside my head. (If you don't see your name here, it's likely because I already know what you look like!)

Lawyer Guy at A Happy Death ~ Dark hair that's gelled and spiked up, sharp features. About 5'10", thin. Easy smile with a little bit of crinkle around the eyes. Dresses in suits (he IS a lawyer!) with a little bit of snazz, maybe a purple tie, or argyle socks.

AnonymousCoworker ~ Tall, like 6'. Thin build. Dark blonde hair with some red in it that he wears kind of thick, and tousled. Glasses, wire rim. Some definition in the arms, striking eyes.

Bathroom Reading ~ All American! Blue eyes, blonde hair, cut short and close to his head. Soft features. Broad smile. Large, strong hands. Big shoulders.

Darth ~ Twinkling eyes that convey great expression. Warm brown in color. Dark hair that has some curl to it, especially when he lets it get too long. Round face with plump cheeks a la Campbells soup kids. Huge laugh that warms the room. Strong presence, but gentle gestures.

LilRed at Lip Schtick ~ Petite. Fire-orange hair that cascades in the thick curls I envy! Spattering of freckles. Devious, impish features. Small mouth. Huge green eyes. Big chest.

Pink Lemonade Diva ~ TOTAL librarian cute! Auburn hair, cut to shoulder length. That she sometimes ties back into a tight ponytail, but a few tendrils slip out that she has to tuck behind her ears. Green eyes, almond shaped. Dark plastic glasses in some sort of trendy fashion. Sharp dresser. Always appears calm, cool and collected.

PhoenixNYC at Skinny Legs and All ~ All right, so he has a pic posted. But I have to say, some skinny-ass chicken legs on that guy! (heh heh)

Texas Biscuit ~ Tall, like 5'10". Slender. Graceful. Long, dirty blonde hair that she often puts up on the back of her head in such a way that it's kinda sticking out everywhere. That "thrown together" look. Naturalistic, light make-up. She runs all the time. She could have been in ballet when she was younger. She has great legs.

Mr. K ~ Medium build. Light brown hair that he wears only slightly shaggy. Animated talker. Intense brown eyes. Full lips. Great teeth. Ears stick out just slightly from his head. He wears ties and sweaters (he is a teacher!) Full of enthusiasm. Blushes easily and gets red-faced whenever he sees my abusive of commas or excessive use of ellipses. OOH! I almost forgot ... devestatingly handsome...

I wonder ... does anybody else do this? And when you imagine me ... what do you see?

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

The hopeless romantic

I have a friend who is forced to live without his love. They had the unfortunate bad timing of falling in love while they were both married to other people.

Both spouses forgave them, and were willing to work on their respective marriages. But my friend wasn't happy. And he chose to leave his wife.

His love chose her family. She and her husband moved with their children many states away.

It's been more than a year and they have had little contact. She has returned to town a few times to visit friends, but she hasn't come to see him. This devastates him.

I tell him she's made her decision.

Everything about his world is colored by the fact that she is not here with him. He's hesitant to have fun, because he feels he doesn't deserve to laugh. He mopes around for days, sometimes without leaving the house. He cries all the time. He has urges to drink alcohol when he's never had a drop in his life.

I tell him he's showing signs of depression ... and that I'm worried about him.

He lives his life on hold, not wanting anything to change. Wanting to preserve the memories as much as he can, so that finally, when she does come back to him ... things will be just as she left them. He is willing to wait forever.

Sometimes, it's to a point that it's scary. He kept the plate from the last meal she ever made him (one of his favorites). He covers it with tin foil and uses it as a candle holder. He wants to buy a new Scrabble board, but he won't, because they played too many games on his old board.

I tell him he's turning into Miss Havisham.

Pictures of her children cover his apartment. His cell phone ring tone is Calico Skies, her picture is the background. He's called her house just to hear her answer "hello" and hang up. He sends her and the children "anonymous" gifts.

He fantasizes about buying a train ticket just to go see where she lives... sit outside her house... watch her go to work. He's also entertained the idea of just showing up at her place of work. Letting her take his order, and acting as if all were right with the world.

I tell him he's becoming a stalker.

He tells me that he knows she still loves him. She posted something on her blog recently that was just for him, and he knew it. Their own secret missives of love, hidden among the byte vibes of ordinary posts. This new evidence of her devotion has rejuvenated him.

I tell him that he is not in a John Cusack movie.

He shows me that obsession can be so strong it consumes us. That devotion can manifest itself in frightening ways. That true love never leaves us.

He shows me that sometimes, hope, however small, is all you have.

Monday, January 24, 2005

We ain't down wit' that

The Ms and I ate at Denny's last night. It wasn't my first choice, but I hadn't been to Denny's in a LONG time. And once every few years won't kill me.

This Denny's has been remodeled since I last ate there, but a few key points remain unchanged.

1. Denny's is kinda nasty.

2. Denny's is kinda pricey for how nasty it is.

Once we were seated. M1 said "Do you think anyone should inform our hostess..."

LCN: "-that white people look really dumb in cornrows."

M1: "Exactly."

Well, we were in Denny's.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Check it, yo!

Instead of being a good little worker bee this afternoon*, I've enhanced my sidebar!

Now YOU can know...

What La Chat Noir is listening to (La Musique du Jour)...

What La Chat Noir is reading** (Le Livre Courant)...

What La Chat Noir is thinking (La Pensee du Moment)...


*Actually, it didn't take me TOO long. Behold my html code prowess!

**As soon as I have some liquid monies, I'll be buying some of those books ya'll suggested. F&Z is something I've had on the shelves for years, but have never read. So I thought, why not!

La Chat Noir for hire

Had my weekly meeting with the boss this morning.

He wants to start meeting biweekly so that he can "stay on top of what you're doing."

Translation: Too much blogging, not enough working.

*le sigh*

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Hey Sis, I'm engaged!

Yesterday, I received a voicemail...

"Hi! I got engaged last night. Thought you'd like to know. Hope everything's going well. Love ya!"

This is terrible news.

Let's start with the basics. He's only 20 years old. He's much more ambitious than she is. This is only his third girlfriend. She works at an auto parts store during the day and waitresses at night. She has no plans of going back to school. They haven't even been dating a year. He could do better.

But I doubt she could. He's in school. Gets good grades. Has plans for grad school. Is one half of a nationally ranked (rather high, actually) debate team. Well-spoken, well-read, kind, polite, good-looking. My baby brother is about as good as she can get.

Apparently, he was planning on proposing in May, on her family farm in Minnesota, where she wants to get married. But she was impatient...

So, on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, quite possibly the most romantic of holidays, while their friend was in the other room making cosmos (ya know, cause none of them are old enough to drink ... at the very least shouldn't they be drinking their age? A bottle of Boones, or Two-Buck Chuck .... but cosmos???)

ANYWAY, the girlfriend with a name usually reserved for strippers and cheap gemstones, turned to my baby brother and said "I don't want to wait. Let's get engaged."

To which he responded, "Um, okay."

She even gave him a ring.

While I should be welcoming a fellow feminist to the family, I can't stop thinking ... she's a college drop out. She says things like "when we have babies." She's going to weigh him down.

So, by the Fall of 2006 (at LEAST they're waiting for him to get his undergrad degree!) I will have a house, Lil' Sis will have a PhD and Baby Brother will have a wife.

We're all understandably disappointed. But there's still hope.

So much can happen in a year and a half ....

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Lil' Sis's Dating Dilemma

I can't make this stuff up ...

-----Original Message-----
From: La Chat Noir's Lil' Sis
Sent: Tuesday, January 18, 2005 4:16 PM
To: La Chat Noir
CC: M1, M2
Subject: May I have the votes please

The following are possible replacement options for Hoobs*. Please cast your vote at your earliest convenience.

Patrick, 28
Patrick is a screenwriter for Hollywood. He's sold two scripts, one called [Film Title] that WarnerBrothers bought and one called [Film Title] that Angelina Jolie is on for - filming will begin this summer. He's not very assertive and is a little nervous, but he brought an extra sweater to the movie theater in case I got cold. Ahhhh. He lives in [town] because he is the youngest of seven children and wants to stay near his family, but he splits his time evenly between [town] and California. M1 and M2 think he is an asexual man-boy.

Brad, 29
Brad trains K9s for the City Police Department. He's not that cute and cuddly, but he is very funny and is taking me to put on a padded suit and get attacked by police dogs this weekend - I cannot wait. Brad lives in his childhood home which he bought from his father several years ago.

Steve, 30
Steve is the most adorable, but kinda old and kinda short at 5'9". He's a mechanical engineer for [company] in [town] and he plays pool on Monday nights with his father and his father's 82 year old neighbor. Kind of quiet, but funny and nice.

Please keep in mind these are just rebound boys - don't get too attached.

Other requests: Anyone who brings a Method Sweet Rain handsoap and/or refill will receive toilet paper and clean towels upon arrival in [town].**

That is all.

*A psuedo-boyfriend type who sent her plane tickets to visit him in DC, then finally dumped her when she just kept accepting invites, but not putting out.

** The Ms and I are taking a road trip to visit Lil' Sis next month.


-----Original Message-----
From: La Chat Noir
Sent: Tuesday, January 18, 2005 4:20 PM
To: Lil' Sis
Cc: M1, M2
Subject: RE: May I have the votes please

In order to cast TRULY researched votes, I think we need to meet these guys. Are they all available for dinner Saturday night?


-----Original Message-----
From: M1
Sent: Tuesday, January 18, 2005 4:26 PM
To: La Chat Noir
Cc: Lil' Sis, M2
Subject: Re: May I have the votes please

I am not a big fan of the group interview. I think it is important that we are able to see each of the candidates individually. That will greatly affect the dynamic, particularly for the one who isn't assertive.

My early vote is for Patrick, who in fact shares a name with an asexual man-boy rather than is one. Although, I reserve the right to reverse my opinion and declare him an asexual man-boy at any time. One of my life goals is to become friends with Julia Roberts and/or Queen Latifah. I really see the Patrick option as the best way that we can both advance toward our goals concurrently in a true system of synergy.

And HELLO, maybe he could take you to the Oscars someday. That is way better than some dork-ass dog trainer.

I do, however, need further information about the extra sweater. I feel like it is crucial for a complete picture.

The call of the wild

While walking around the lovely downtown of my city, one can periodically hear the screeches of predatory birds.

We're talking, loud, mean buzzard-like shrieks of bird calls here, people.

Visitors to the lovely downtown of my city may wonder if they risk having their eyes pecked by the devilish fowl that perch atop the courthouse.

Fear not, wayward travelers! You may enjoy the lovely downtown of my city relatively prey-free! The calls that you hear are not actual scary birds. They are merely recordings of scary birds!

Add that to the list of things covered by taxpayers' money. My lovely city's courthouse is protected (as well it should be, for it IS the county seat!) by recordings of predatory birds on all sides.

The ghastly shrieks keep pesky pigeons at bay, thereby preventing my lovely courthouse, as well as much of the lovely downtown of my city, from becoming blanketed in pigeon shit.

I think it is a rather brilliant idea that could be adapted quite nicely.

Wouldn't it be great if I could be equipped with some sort of subconscious messaging device on permanent repeat that could ward off ... undesirables?

Kooky, the office IT guy would hear: Think before you speak. Do I care? If the answer is "no," then bother someone else.

Boring girl, who thinks we're friends, would hear: No. I can't go to lunch with you today. I am not interested in attending your PartyLite party, your Pampered Chef party, your Creative Memories party, OR your Stampin' Up party. I'm busy. Is your funeral scheduled? I maybe could attend that party.

The benevolent woman "at peace" because she found Buddha who thinks that everyone would live better lives if they were "at peace" and didn't carry around all that anger, ya know, the one who treats me like I'm one fiery ball of bad karma in the world and is oh-so-quick to offer me "feedback" and asks me if I've ever considered hiring a life coach, something she does as a side job would hear: Don't... Just, don't.

Monday, January 17, 2005

A penny spent is a penny returned

I am a financial wreck. I don't balance my checkbook. My checking account goes into a negative balance with some degree of frequency. My savings account is empty, save for the $5 required to open it.

I live paycheck to paycheck. I know I'm low on money when the ATM takes a while to spit some cash out.

I often find myself returning things after I've bought them, because it turns out I can't afford time. It might only be $10 or $15 worth of merchandise. But you add that up across a couple of stores... you get the picture.

Yesterday I wrote a check for $67.86. This morning, I checked my balance and discovered it was $66.04. At lunch I returned socks and gloves.

I had bought both because my current ones are riddled with holes. Do I NEED new socks and gloves ... well the socks can probably sneak by with a couple more wearings, and I could always double up a pair with holes in the heels with another pair that has holes in the toes.

But the gloves ... It's FREEZING outside.

For now, I'll just need to put my hands in my pockets. Where there'll be cold, hard cash to keep them warm.

Friday, January 14, 2005

*BLOOP* STEP AWAY FROM THE TV!

Earlier in the week, I mentioned that I watch a LOT of TV. So many shows that you would think my TV set might be prime for spontaneous combustion.

LilRed wanted to know what shows I watch ... let the mockery begin.

SUNDAY

American Dreams, 8pm, NBC - Most people don't know this show is still on the air. But you don't have to be TOO good to stay on the air Sunday nights. It's a family drama set in the 60s that touches on all the major issues. War, politics, religion, racism, sexism, homosexuality, abortion, pre-marital sex, babies out of wedlock ... and Bandstand. LISBF refers to it as one of my "weepy" shows. I usually cry at least once an episode.

Desperate Housewives, 9pm ABC - It's quirky. It's campy. It's salacious. The characters are shallow and back-stabbing, the plots are devious and shocking. It completely exploits life in suburbia. I love it.

MONDAY

Everwood, 9pm, WB - Another one of my weepy shows. The two young actors carry this drama so well. While the background is filled in with a small western town populated with peculiar personalities, don't be fooled. Each character is moving through grief, and they grow and heal together. *tear*

24, 9pm, FOX - Best show on television. And Kiefer is OH SO cute and cuddley!

Medium, 10pm, NBC - New to the line up. And I gotta say ... meh. Not sure how long this one will last. The concept is intriguing, but the acting is wooden and the dialogue trite. "Aw, put your big bug eyes back in your head." Say what?

TUESDAY

Gilmore Girls, 8pm, WB - This is probably my favorite show to watch. The mother/daughter relationship is explored to the nth degree. Lorelai's relationship with her own mother is strained, but she shares a close bond with her daughter, Rory. The eccentric small town of Stars Hollow (a roving troubadour!) provides more than enough material for writers to mine for every-day-life storylines. TV Guide declared it the "Best Show You're Not Watching." I wholeheartedly agree.

Amazing Race, 9pm, CBS - The thing I love about this reality show is that the participants come in with pre-existing relationships. Plus, I love to travel and it's fun to see the world, even via the tube. Amazing how competition brings out the ugly, arrogant American, eh? With Gus and Hera out of the picture, I'm rooting for Kris and Jon. They're the only two who haven't been devious or snarky to anyone else ... or each other. PS... Victoria, honey, Jonathan's an abuser. You need to drop kick that dick. Now.

Judging Amy, 10pm, CBS - I used to love it, but recently it's gotten weird. I adore the character of Maxine. Strong, independent, willful ... and breakable. It has always bothered me that the writers make Amy smart at work and dumb at home. And in the preview for next episode she announces she's pregnant. WTF?

NYPD Blue, 10pm, ABC - This one is more LISBF's than mine. They introduced a new lieutenant this year ... a hard-hitting, by-the-books kind of guy. Turns out, he's gay. A hard-ass macho gay cop? Nice.

WEDNESDAY

Lost, 8pm, ABC - A bunch of conflicting personalities not only forced to live together, but forced to help one another SURVIVE. The intrigue just keeps piling on... Why did the psychic make Claire get on the plane? Why was Jack seeing his dead father walking around? Why can the old guy suddenly walk? What's eating everybody in the jungle? What did Kate DO? Life on the island is intercut with fascinating flashbacks into each character's past. Unfortunately, I screwed up the VCR taping this week (I know, I know, get TiVo) so I missed this week's episode.

West Wing, 9pm, NBC - They almost lost me last season, but this season WW is back with a vengeance. The fight for the White House is on, pitting two of my favorite characters against each other ... Josh and Will. I love CJ as the chief of staff and Karen Chenowith as the sassy deputy communications director was a great addition to the cast.

THURSDAY

The Apprentice, 9pm, NBC - I watched the first two seasons off and on ... enough for it to make the list. I got a thrill out of watching the catty bitches last season. The next Apprentice pits Book Smarts against Street Smarts. Could be interesting.

ER, 10pm, NBC - Am I the only one still watching this show? It jumped the shark about four seasons ago, IMO. But I've been with it since the beginning. And with Noah Wyle's departure at the end of this season, next year could be the last. I just can't quit on it now.

FRIDAY

Joan of Arcadia, 8pm, CBS - As a recovering Catholic, I am fascinated by the dissection of a nonbeliever's relationship with God. Nods to scripture are abundant, but subtle. A true family drama. Hardships that show life is not fair. A star with some hips on her. Every episode has a "moral of the story" though it's not delivered in heavy-handed Touched by an Angel fashion. It's the last of my weepy shows ... with good reason!

Six Feet Under - LISBF and I just blow threw an entire season of DVDs as soon as they're released ... how long till season three???

WHEW! Uh-oh, do I count more than 11??? YIKES! Now before anyone goes a-judging. I do a lot of other stuff with my life, too. As previously mentioned, I'm an avid reader, a committed volunteer, a pott'ry student, a member of a comedy improv troupe ... WAIT! Gotta run ... Oprah's on!

How much do I suck?

A lot.

Spurred on by you people, I headed over to M2's after work last night to watch The Princess Bride. And I have to say ...

I fell asleep.

The last thing I remember is when Westley had those suction cups attached to his nipples.

The first half that I did see, didn't really grab me. How is it possible that I could not like a movie that everyone else in the world enjoys? I don't know. It happens more often than it should. I'm not just being obstinate, I swear!

Anyway, as I was leaving for home...

M2: There's NO WAY I'm letting you borrow Hitchhikers Guide.

Chat: Why not?

M2: Because it's sci-fi and it's humor and you'll hate it.

Chat: It's TRUE!

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Reference Desk

I love to read. I know this may come as a bit of a shock to those of you who are familiar with the fact that I watch 11 one-hour television shows a week. But it's true.

I always have a book going. The last good book I read was Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. I just couldn't put it down.

But there's been a drought since then. The last several books I've read haven't really grabbed me. So, I'm asking for a little help.

For my next birthday (I wish I had this idea LAST August, but oh well) I'm going to ask my friends that if they want to give me a gift, that they give me a book, the one that was most meaningful to them. And on the inside cover, I'd like them to write why this book made such a difference.

So ... please help stock my virtual bookshelf. What book has made the biggest impact on your life? And why did you love it so.

I'm hoping to get a few good reads out of this.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Brain dead


The room is dimly light by a lamp in the corner. The phone beeps...

*BEEP*

V. dumb, but V. nice bubbly receptionist: Chat?

Chat is deeply lost in her computer screen, "working."

Chat: um, yeah?

Bubble Dumb: J is on 11 for you.

A puzzled look dances across Chat's face.

Chat: J who?

Bubble Dumb: J. Our J. The one who works here ... your boss?

Work ... right.

Chat: On 11? K.

Fortune cookie say ...

"Your modesty is your best attribute."

*choke, on the chow mein*

Who comes up with this shit?


For fortunes more true to life, visit www.badcookie.com.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Baking baby brother

When we were kids, my mother often asked my sister and me to watch my baby brother when she needed to run errands and whatnot.

Often, my sister and I would grab onto B's legs and drag him, kicking and screaming, down our long hallway toward the kitchen.

We would taunt him by telling him that we had the oven all heated up ... just waiting to roast him for dinner.

He was terrified. He would cry and shriek and strain against our grip, trying to break free.

We never actually put him in the oven. It was enough to torture him with threats. We would collapse in giggles before we ever reached the kitchen.

Of course, his memory differs. He swears that he remembers the searing heat as the oven door lay open, waiting ...

Guess there's a reason why he's mom's favorite.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Best show on television


Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer in "24."


I watch entirely too much TV. I follow 11 one-hour shows each week. Often, LISBF and I are too busy to watch these programs the night they air. (In fairness I should state that 4 of the 11 are mine alone.) So we amass tapes of shows throughout the season. Catching up when we can.

And that doesn't even take into account the various PBS series that we sometimes tape, if the topic interests us. Or the HBO series we rent.

It's a sickness, really. I know. M1 has told me. It's out of control. When the new season of shows debuts, I always think to myself, We cannot take on another new show!

I've enjoyed each of my 11 shows so far this season, but I've been DYING for "24: Day Four." I really believe it is the best show on television.

It's packed with thrilling chase scenes, unfolding mysteries, passionate romances, tear-jerking moments and edge-of-your seat suspense. Every single episode.

"Day Four" debuted last night, and did not disappoint. I can't wait for tonight's two-hour installment. With pesky Kim out of the way, this season could be the best yet.

Stay tuned.


Pink is the color of my ...

A coworker commented on my pink shirt just now. I own a lot of pink. I look good in it. I'm a winter.

But every time I wear pink shirts, I am now reminded of an evening not long ago. I was at dinner with a friend who suddenly announced to the table that the pink shirt she was wearing was purchased by her lover. Specifically selected for her because it was the color of her vagina.

She thought it was sweet.

En route

I am not the safest driver. I have been in seven (count 'em, SEVEN) accidents, some major, some not, since I obtained a driver's license nine years ago.

My last accident was April 2003. So for those of you not doing the math ... that's an average of one accident a year between the ages of 16 and 23. Can you believe that people still RIDE with me?

My definition of accident is my motor vehicle coming into contact with another object in such a way that someone is going to have to pay damages of some kind to someone else.

So, running over curbs, smashing into poles, spinning off the road or winding up in a ditch ... I do not count as accidents. These things happen to me more frequently than fate should allow.

But never have I wished to be involved in an accident. Sometimes I get lost in thought. Or I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or, as LISBF will attest, I need to SLOW DOWN!

On my way to work in the mornings, I drive through a dreaded school zone. School zones themselves can be inherently bothersome. There are children to deal with, of course, and the slowing of speeds, and the inevitable cop waiting to nab speed violators.

But the worst thing about this particular school zone is the 135 year-old crossing guard that shepherds the little munchkins across the road and out of harm's way.

As soon as she spies a school aged child, or at least a moving figure that resembles a school aged child from a distance, she begins to amble into the street.

She does not wait for a small break in traffic. She does not look both ways. She merely steps off the curb. Dangling her stop sign down around the ankles. Slowly making her way to the center of the road.

When she arrives at her post in the middle of the street, she always seems a bit puzzled that the shadowy figure resembling a school aged child has not yet begun to cross. This is often because said shadowy figure is still a block or two away.

Once in a while, after looking long and hard, she realizes the shadowy figure is in fact not a school aged child, but rather a college student waiting at a bus stop. Or a large dog stopping to take a pee.

And she lumbers back to the curb. Defeated. Having added six or so minutes to the morning commute of a dozen or so drivers.

Once, granny wasn't working her corner. There was an overweight middle aged woman with blonde hair and dark roots there instead. Sneaking puffs off of cigarettes in between shepherding. She would make the kids wait on the other side of the street until she had what she considered to be a large enough group before halting traffic and allowing them to cross.

But the following day, granny was back. Kerchief and all.

And every morning I am reminded by her presence that it's okay to take a moment and slow down.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Good gift giver


Ulala: The hottest roving reporter in the galaxy!


M2 recently acquired his Very Own Office(TM)! So today I took him out to lunch and gave him an office gift to decorate his Very Own Office(TM)!

Best part of it is, now I can put up MY Ulala statue in MY Very Own Office(TM)! (I'm such a geek that I bought two!) And I had been hesitant to put up my Ulala statue because M2's done a fair amount of office drop-bys...

What's in YOUR Very Own Office(TM)?

I hate cantaloupe

When I was in junior high, I often spent time at my best friend Jessica's house. She lived on the mountain. They had horses and a huge area of land. Her mom was a stay-at-home mom, so she cooked us dinner all the time.

She would plate up the food at the counter, instead of serving family style. And when she plopped two fat, juicy wedges of cantaloupe on my plate, I worried that I might gag.

But salvation awaited! In the form of Lizzie, the black lab, who patiently awaited scraps from beneath the table.

After pushing my food around on the plate for a little while, I deftly slipped the cantaloupe, rind and all, to a salivating Lizzie. After all, Jessica and I had fed her meatloaf the week before, so I figured "What the hell?"

A few moments passed, and Lizzie started heaving and coughing ... and spewing.

"What's wrong with the dog?!?" Jessica's dad bellowed.

My skin burned deep crimson as I silently slipped off my left shoe and began to shovel puked up melon mush into it with my right foot as best I could.

I then excused myself to the bathroom to destroy the evidence, squishing with every step.

Jessica always claimed the incident left a permanent mark on the carpet. And her mom never served me melon again.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

La Kinky Chat

I've been a CopyChat lately ... I took a cue from Christie Mae and plugged my name/user name into the "Get Your Acronym Now!" generator and it came out with ...

kinky.

Christie is honorable, industrious, intelligent, entertaining ...

and I'm kinky. w00t!

Well, better live it up!


Wednesday, January 05, 2005

The Ice Storm Cometh

Boss is letting everyone go home to avoid the impending ice storm.

w00t!

La Chat Noir's random playlist

I copied ACW who copied Texas Biscuit...

First 10 random songs on my playlist*

  • "Ashes and Stone" by Marry Me Jane

  • "Get Up, Stand Up" by Bob Marley and the Wailers

  • "Losing Lisa" by Ben Folds

  • "Strawberry Fields Forever" (cover) by Ben Harper

  • "Jessie's Girl" by Rick Springfield

  • "Kite Song" by Patty Griffin

  • "Crucify" by Tori Amos

  • "I Love to Hate You" by Erasure

  • "New Slang" by The Shins

  • "Copperline" by James Taylor



*This list may have been slightly finessed to reduce mockery ...

Taking one for the team

This morning we had our monthly company meeting. As my loyal readers know, my company sometimes does weird things. You may remember craft day.

There is an incentive for the month of January where they hang a $1 in the hallway for every 100 products we sell this month. Right now it's at about $300. If we meet our goal, it will be $1300.

What will they DO with all this money, you ask? They're renting a cash machine that you step into, akin to Bubble Boy, that blows the money around. Usually such incentives are limited to the sales force, of which I am not a member. But they announced this morning that everyone will get a turn in the booth.

And then they asked for 12 volunteers who were willing to "take one for the team" to add another $200 to the pot. The 12 volunteers lined up (my boss organizes these things, so I learned long ago to stay put) and they brought out twelve glasses. And a dozen raw eggs.

That's right, folks. My fellow colleagues were lined up and goaded to "take one for the team" by swallowing a raw egg.

Do I work at a frat house? I do not.

Out of five women and seven men only one guy refused to do it. And so my boss drank egg twice.

Hope we still make our goal with half the office out with salmonella.

Next month's challenge: goat's blood!

Why sleep trumps sex

Gentle Reader: If you have no earthly desire to learn anything about La Chat Noir and Living-in-sin-boyfriend's sleeping patters or sexual habits, may I suggest you kindly skip the following post. -Ed.

I love sex. But even more than sex, I love sleep.

There are some who think sleep is a waste of time. Others who can get by on only a few hours a night for an extended period of time. Not me.

So that's why, when it's late, and I have an early morning dentist appointment (7am), and the foreplay commences ... I'm looking at the clock. And I'm calculating...

Let's see, if it's 11:43 now, and we allow some time for foreplay, everybody orgasms ... we could be done by 12:20 ... I could be asleep by 1:05 ... up by 6:30 ... that's only FOUR HOURS of sleep ... maybe we can skip my orgasm for tonight, that will speed things up ...

And, of course, all this brain churning does NOTHING to help me speed things along.

LISBF does not need to worry about these things. He has the gift of insta-sleep. He falls asleep immediately after crawling into bed. He falls asleep mid-sentence. More often, he falls asleep while I am mid-story.

I, however, have always taken a long time falling asleep. And when I finally am able to slumber, I usually wake up a few times during the night. And I rarely feel rested in the morning. LISBF always asks me in the morning. "How did you sleep?" There's no reason to ask him, because he ALWAYS sleeps well. He doesn't need to do calculations in his head.

So this morning, I am tired. I am cranky. But I am loved.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Never was a Pearl Jam fan

Here's a few things I could do without.

The Pearl Jam remake of Wayne Cochran's "Last Kiss."

The fact that the jerky guy in the office next to mine has that song on a loop and so I listen to it all the live long day.

The part of the song where Eddie wails "Hold me darling, just a little while."

The fact that jerky can't help but sing along.

Monday, January 03, 2005

Back to work

As I drove to work this morning, I wondered ...

Has it been this dark at 8am this entire time?

I am resolved

I've always been into New Year's resolutions. Though I haven't always seen them fulfilled.

One of the more popular resolutions out there is that of the diet vein.

I don't think I've ever actually been on a diet. I enjoy food too much to constrict myself. I don't have the willpower. I pour honey mustard or cream sauce on everything.

But I could stand to be healthier in general. So I decided that would be my New Year's resolution.

Then, last night, M2 and I ordered pizza. And breadsticks. And I dipped every bite in Ranch.

MONDAY. I'll start Monday.