Monday, February 28, 2005

Alanis might say it's ironic

I ran to Staples during lunch to pick up some bright white paper.

The clerk in the checkout line had trouble finding a stapler to affix my receipts together.

It's like rain ...

Out Sick

So I took the day off sick Friday.

I woke up feeling wretched.

My stomach was rumbling like a geyser. At any given moment, I had urges to puke my guts out.

Guess that's what I get for drinking at a bowling alley (I scored 63) till 12:30 the night before.

Still haven't learned ... it's not wise to party on a school night.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

I'll show you my tatts

Kmart has requested that we all show him our tatts.

I have four.

I did not follow ACW's FIVE RULES for getting a tattoo before my most recent ink ... and perhaps I should have. You be the judge.

Warning ... it's in a kinda private place ...

Give me a ring

So, I recently switched cell phone companies. Along with the switch came a new phone.

My old phone was mighty old. Green screen, limited customization, weight of a softball ... and when I got a call, it just ... rang.

I miss it.

The new phone has about a gazillion ring tone options ... all of them lame. I can choose from "Happy Birthday," "Salsa Dance," "Mystery." I hate them all.

Then today, in my inbox, I received an offer from the new wireless company to download one free $1.99 ringtone.

So I loaded up the site and started searching for the ringtone that says "LCN's phone."

How is it possible that I HATE THEM ALL?

I just want a RING. Not the latest pop anthem from Destiny's Child, not a synthesized version of "She Bangs," not the opening lines of the theme song from Friends.

But then I found the '80s section...

So the only question is ... "Ice Ice Baby" or "Careless Whisper"?

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

He don't need no ...

M2 and I had lunch at DQ today. Not exactly a bourgeois mecca.

At the table next to us, a father was teasing his toddler while mom looked on.

"I guess you don't need no toys," the father said.

And the tow-headed youngster would repeat, "I don't need no..."

"You don't need no video games."

"You don't need no ice cream."

"You don't need no ..."

grammar.

Monday, February 21, 2005

OOPS upside your head

We had another improv show this weekend. And during Chain, Death, Murder, one of our standard games, I found myself in the bathroom with Mad Dog, Spastic and an audience volunteer.

I used to hate Spastic, however, I'm over it. That is not important to this story.

The game plays like this ... the player left on stage receives a Location for the murder, Occupation of the murderer and Weapon of murder (think L O W) from audience suggestions. This happens while the other players are sequestered in the sound proof bathroom. Then, using mime and gibberish only, player number one passes the information to player number two ... player two to player three ... and player three to audience volunteer.

It's kind of like telephone. Anyway, I was on the other team, so I was only there to bring in the audience volunteer when it was their turn to come out. SO ... it's me, Mad Dog and audience volunteer in the men's bathroom of this bar (Spastic was player number two, so he went out to get the L O W info in mime and gibberish only).

And we're trying to explain the game to the audience volunteer. And she asks if she can actually make physical contact with Mad Dog when she kills him. (See each player kills the one who gives them the information, leaving only the audience volunteer standing at the end. Man this sounds complicated. It's funny in real life, trust me.)

I say "sure, I bet he'd like that," as I patted Mad Dog on the head.

Have I mentioned that Mad Dog has some sort of nasty two-inch growth sticking out of the side of his head? It's bare, and pink and gooey looking.

And I touched it.

It was spongy to the touch, like a big wad of scar tissue. I instantly recoiled. Ugh.

As soon as I got back to the Ms, I told them what had happened in the bathroom, and they were appropriately disgusted.

We don't know what that thing is. But we do know, if any one of us had it ... we'd be wearing our hair long enough to cover it.

What a dork

We're thinking about branching into Canada, so I needed to put together a map of the entire North America.

I've been searching for the names and capitals for the Canadian stuff off and on all afternoon. I can't believe I can't find one damn illustrated map of Canada with references on the internet.

I was searching for Canadian Provences.

La Meme ... Again

This one's also courtesy of Texas Biscuit.

Here are the rules:

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.

Unlike Biscuit, my sorry ass does NOT get President's Day off. So my answer is boring and work-related.

From the Adobe Illustrator 10 User's Guide (even though I now use CS)

To rotate the axes: [Does that count as a sentence?]

1 Choose Edit > Preferences > General (Windows and Mac OS 9) or Illustrator > Preferences > General (Mac OS X)

2 In the Constrain Angle text box, enter the angle at which you want the axes rotated. If you enter a positive number, the axes are rotated counterclockwise.



What does this say about me as a person?

Thursday, February 17, 2005

All I need is you

One of the great things about being a child of the '80s is the instant musical connection you have with other former pants pegging, leg warmer wearing, jean hole tearing cool kids such as yourself.

Perhaps this occurs among other generations as well, but there's something about breaking into a random '80s song by a one-hit wonder band and knowing that everyone else will be joining in by the chorus.

Last night, M1 and I were over at M2's humble abode following Improv rehearsal (have I MENTIONED he lives in the ghetto?) ANYHOO ... M1 was saying how he should really go home, because he had a test in the morning. (He's bettering himself by going after one of those master's degrees while working full-time. Pfft.)

So I said. "Go if you wanna go."

Are you humming along yet? Cause you should be.

Then, all three of us were singing ...

Stay if you wanna stay.
I didn't care if you hung around me,
I didn't care if you went away.


Then M1 asks "What song is that?"

And if I ever catch up with you-ou...

By this point, M2 and I have adopted the sway that comes on when you're awash in nostalgia and shouting the lyrics of a song by who knows who* ... and if it went on long enough, you might be tempted to do the Roger Rabbit.

Sing it with me now ...

I'm gonna love you for the rest of my li-i-i-i-i-fe...
All I need is a miracle
ALL I NEED IS YOU!


Sitting around the living room past my bedtime on a school night and belting out an '80s tune with my two favorite friends.

All I need is you.


*Mike + the Mechanics

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

La Chat Noir goes to Paris ... again


View of Paris from Notre Dame Cathedral, Sept. 2002.


In one month ... I'll be batting away at the dirty beggar children that crawl the streets of Paris. I cannot wait!

I have been to Paris once before. LISBF and I stayed with his brother and sister-in-law in Provence. They are uber-riche and had rented a villa for the month of September. We only stayed a week.

While we were there, Air France went on strike (bitches!) and our flight from Marseilles to Paris was cancelled. So LISBF and I bought TGV tickets to get to Paris in hopes of getting back to the states.

We had a magnificent train ride through the countryside. Found a cute little hotel near the metro station in Paris. Walked to the Arc de Triomphe and the Eiffel Tower, had an enjoyable dinner. It was a wonderful evening.

LISBF had flown in with his brother a few days earlier than I did, because at the time I worked in the newsroom of an evil conglomerate media corporation that barely gave me any vacation time to speak of and would not allow me to take Fridays off. So his ticket home was booked on American Airlines, and the next morning, he went home as scheduled.

My ticket was scheduled on Air France. I was supposed to arrive about 15 minutes after LISBF. But it was not to be. Practically every Air France flight was cancelled, so they were rebooking passengers on other airlines. And the earliest I could leave was two days later.

Now, a normal person would have delighted in the knowledge that after whining about going all the way to France and not seeing Paris, the fates had granted them that very opportunity.

But I am not a normal person. I'll find something to bitch about no matter how nice the fates ... and I sat down in Charles de Gualle ... and cried.

After about 20 minutes, I made my way to a tourist information desk, where the handsome frog behind the counter hooked me up with a room at Hotel d'Angleterre, V. near L'Etoile.

When I arrived at my tiny, little, moderately sketchy room... I flopped on the bed and cried some more.

Then it hit me ... it sucks to be stranded in an unfamliar place. It sucks to be broke. It sucks to be alone. But how wonderful to know that it will not last forever.

How marvelous to charge head-first into adventure, willingly or not, all the while knowing you have friends who love you, someone to take care of you and a place you call home.

I'm so looking forward to exploring Paris with LISBF (we're on the same flight this time!). How fortunate to have a chance to make new memories ... with my friend, my love, my home ... holding my hand.

I loves me some wieners

LISBF just called! He wants to know if I want to meet him over his dinner break!

WE'RE GOING TO THE HOT DOG PLACE!

I'm V. excited (as demonstrated by my excessive use of EXCLAMATION POINTS and CAPITAL LETTERS!!!). This new place opened up on the west side ... and it serves nothing but hot dogs ... with all the fixin's!

w00t!

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

M2 to the rescue

It so happens, that when I try to do nice things for LISBF ... I often mess it up. For his birthday, I got tickets for a hot air balloon ride. Even though I ordered them MONTHS in advance, they were a day late ... I had paid $25 for a "hot air balloon replica" that was supposed to pop out of the box with the tickets attached. What I got was a deflated latex balloon and a piece of wrapping ribbon in a large box. THEN, it rained horribly the entire weekend. We never have gone.

I made LISBF a pot for Christmas. It was one of the nicest, roundest, largest shapes I've ever thrown. I was carving and painting it (this happens before the bisque fire, so it's V. fragile) and I put my thumb through the side of it! I cried right there on the spot. I was able to save it with some reconstruction, but you can see where it was broken. And it turned into more of an MLK Day present.

So for Valentine's Day, I wanted my pecan pie to be perfect.

When I got home, I tossed the pie crust in the oven to defrost (like I make my own pie crust ... do I LOOK like Betty Crocker?) and gathered the rest of the ingredients on the counter. Sugar, Corn Syrup, Eggs, Secret Ingredient ... NO PECANS!

I KNEW I had pecans, but I must have used them up! So I ran over to M2's to borrow some cash (ya know, cause I'm B-R-O-K-E ... as in negative checking balance, AGAIN!). M2 gave my $4. I bought my pecans and scurried home.

As soon as I walked in the door, I realized I left the pie crust in too long. It was dark brown and brittle all over. Completely ruined. So I got back in the car and drove, crying, back to M2's. As soon as he opened the door, he asked "Do I need to take you to the grocery store for something else?"

.......


Yesterday was a friend's birthday. So M2 and I (M1 couldn't go) took the friend out to lunch. As in, M2 paid for everything, I just went along to help eat. While M2 got up to case the desserts ... this friend turned to me and said "I wish I had a BFF*."

It's true. I'm one lucky gal.


*Best Friends Forever

Monday, February 14, 2005

He loves me ...

LISBF out did himself this year, these flowers are GORGEOUS! The vase looks like it came from Pier 1, the colors are bright and vivid. The scents (yes, even I can smell them!) are divine.

He's never bought me traditional roses ... and I've always like that. Multiple flower types, funky colors, bold arrangement, cute container ... SO Chat Noir!

Valentine's Day wishes to everyone. May your presence be appreciated, your love be shared and your chop suey plentiful.

I'm going home to make my man a pecan pie.

Sharing the love and passing the chop suey

So many people get down on Valentine's Day. It has always been one of my favorite holidays. The other two are Easter and Halloween. Go figure! I know, I know, who doesn't like Christmas? I just never have...

Many people bemoan the fact that Valentine's is a commercialized holiday that serves as an excuse to tell others how much they mean to us ... something we should be able to do more frequently throughout the year and without Hallmark's help.

I like getting flowers from LISBF. I like bringing Valentines and chocolates in to work. I like doing thoughtful things for friends.

I've spent every Valentine's Day with people I love, and one of my best occurred while single.

I accompanied a group of friends to a nice Chinese restaurant in town. One of those family-run places where the 12 year-old is pouring the hot tea. The place was packed, and it seemed like everyone arrived at the same time.

It took FOREVER for any food to come out. Some tables got restless and left. But those who stayed began to bond over the joke that if any table ever got its food, they would share with the rest of us.

Suddenly, as if we were all there to share in a banquet feast, the servers brought out the food. Plates and plates and plates of it. An aunt bearing some General Tso ... a daughter carrying low mein ... a grandfather pushing a cart of steamed dumplings ... a child towing fried rice ... a proud father and restaurant owner, supervising it all.

And then ... the man at the table next to us passed his sweet and sour chicken.

Everyone broke out in laughter, as more plates made their way around the room. All of us strangers to each other ... sharing the love and passing the chop suey.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Kooky's toilet tea

Kooky, the office IT guy, drinks hot tea like CRAZY. He carries it around in one of those squat, fat mugs that were all the rage in the early episodes of Friends.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned that my luxurious personal office (with window) is located next door to the shitter. It is.

And every day, a few times a day, I witness Kooky perform what I like to call his "toilet tea ritual." He walks by my office on his way to the kitchen, where he concocts a tasty cup of tea. He then comes back down the hallway, stopping off in the bathroom, where he TAKES THE TEA IN WITH HIM.

In a few minutes, he emerges ... cup in hand.

Once, I mentioned to him that taking your cup of tea into the bathroom is, um, FILTHY and DISGUSTING.

He told me it was okay. He sets it on top of the towel dispenser, so both hands are free.

Gross.

Can I just say ...

HOW MUCH do I love the new blogger comments! I am so V. pleased that I never was suckered into Halo or whatever else. Now I can see other people's comments AND all my old comments are still intact!

THANK YOU Blogger.

I take back that thing about you being a piece of shit, slow-loading, time-sucking whore of a program.

I am a Vagina Warrior

V-Day is just around the corner! Thanks to Eve Ensler's gripping Vagina Monologues, V-Day has grown into a global movement to stop violence against women around the world.

In celebration of V-Day, colleges and communities everywhere perform Vagina Monologues to raise awareness in their community as well as money for organizations and agencies in their area such as shelters, domestic violence prevention programs and sex trafficking safe houses.

To find a V-Day performance or event near you, check out the V-Day website.

When I asked M2 if he would be interested in going, he replied, "A bunch of angry feminists screaming the C[unt]-word at the top of their lungs? No thanks."

Sounds like my idea of a good time.

So tell me, _________,

The weekend at Lil' Sis's place went okay. It always helps to have other people around ... tends to minimize our bickering. We did little but sleep, eat and play board games all weekend. We contemplating attending one of the gay club/bars (complete with cages!) but turns out it's been overrun with straights wanting to be cool. So we went to Cold Stone Creamery twice instead (mmmmm, Cake Batter ice cream!).

The Ms and I have been on a board game kick as of late. I love playing board games, but only ones where I stand a chance of winning. It's no fun to play a game if you suck. In fact, LISBF refuses to play Scrabble with me anymore. I'm such a sore loser. And I hate that game.

My new favorite game is called Therapy. They've recently re-released it. Basically, there are trivial pursuit type questions that deal with various life stages (infancy, childhood, adolescence, adulthood, seniority and cosmos). But the fun part comes with you land in someone's therapy office.

In the therapy office, you're asked a question about yourself or the group. And the therapist has to guess what your answer will be. If the answer matches, you're cured. There are also group therapy squares ... so basically, you get to hear other people talk shit about you.

Hence why it's my favorite game!

So tell me, _________, which of these players is most likely to be voted off in a "Survivor" type competition?

The consensus was that it would be me. Partly because I hate nature, but mostly because I'm a mean tyrant and everyone would quickly tire of my mouth.

Whatever, bitches.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

The Hoodie Hides It

I ran out to Target during my lunch break today. And whilst standing in line, I noticed a rather sketchy figure lurking a few lines over. He was quite tall and lanky, nothing unusual about that. And he wore a hoodie. A red one.

His hoodie was pulled up over his head and it hung down around his face a la grim reaper fashion. He kept his head bent while his long, bony fingers counted out his change.

His face was completely hidden. He could have been headless for all I know. But it got me thinking. Why would someone want to hide their entire face in such a way? Was he ditching work? Did he have an embarrassing rash? Is he hideously disfigured?

What kind of gruesome, repulsive creature lies beneath that hoodie?

La Chat is Back

But I will be V. busy today, as I was out of the office the first part of the week.

Never fear ... I will soon post something BRILLIANT!

... me hopes.

Friday, February 04, 2005

We have a winner ...

I forgot to mention! Lil' Sis has declared a winner!

It's Patrick, the screenwriter guy who sounds nice but needs to be more assertive. The Ms and I shall be meeting him this weekend!

Where has all the funny gone?

Gentle reader,

I've got nothing. I've actually been quite busy at work as of late. That leaves little time for blogging.

So thanks for coming back, even though I have been lax in my posting.

This weekend, M1, M2 and I are driving 5ish hours to visit my sister. This will likely be the first time I'll visit my sister without leaving early ... and in tears. We have never gotten along, but when there are other people there, it helps to dissipate our fighting.

Then, I'll be away at a conference for the first part of next week. I'll try and think of something SPECTACULAR to post during the latter part of the week, in case anybody is still around to read it!

I know how it is ... a few days away and suddenly you've found yourself another LCN... *le sigh*

C'est la vie.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Like money from heaven ...

As some of you may remember, our sales force had an incentive in January where we hung one dollar bill in the hallway for every 100 products sold. Then, they rented a cash booth that blows all that money around. Everybody got a turn in the booth this morning. $1387 up for grabs.

I stuffed $44 down my shirt. It was the third highest total.

Looks like I'm buying lunch.